Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

In this fetid age of permanent Neoliberal Big Brother Government, there is no social problem, perceived or otherwise, that can’t be solved with punitive legislation, sanctions or surveillance. Conversely, there is no wealth disparity, no productivity gap, and no corporate environmental damage that can’t be not solved by wagging a metaphorical finger with one hand while giving the proverbial hand-job with the other.
You, the free-thinking, autonomous individual, are the enemy. If you called yourself a business, turned over billions and employed people on a freelance slavery basis, then you’d be a hero, whether you publicly stated your belief in social cleansing or not, but as an individual critiquing an oppressive and power-drunk Establishment, be afraid…be very afraid. You are the raging toddler embarrassing their parents in front of their friends at that dinner party. As a matter of fact, the odds of your social media account and search history being stalked are inversely proportional to the amount of money you might donate to the party who create the laws. But that’s by the by. Can’t you just behave while your blue overlords sell off your futures to their corporate cronies?
Then we shall create a folk demon to justify spying on all of you! Whether they exist tangibly or not, we will fabricate them. We know what you fear: difference. We’ll give them brown skin, strange religions and run headlines about them being cannibal paedophile commies who want us all to live in dungeons and marry our dogs.

Remember, any opposition to these measures will mean you support us descending into a modern version of Stalin’s Russia, where a majority live in poverty and are relentlessly spied on, bombarded with propaganda and demonised, while being denied basic human rights and freedoms. To avoid this, accept your poverty as a consequence of not working hard enough. If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear from us. The markets will set you free, scroungers will drag you down, and the Human Rights Act must be abolished for us all to bask in our glorious new tomorrow!


On Free-Market Capitalism’s Secret Service.

Episode 3: Apologetic Larceny.

With Double Agent Cameroon getting his feet under the table, his grotesquely wealthy overlords remind him of his debt to them, and he begins to surreptitiously implement measures designed to prevent uprising by crushing the morale of the most vulnerable would-be uprisers. We join his former public school chum and now head henchmen; the dastardly Doctor O, as he addresses the council on his latest espionage budget.

Dr O: Greetings esteemed council members, I trust we all realise these are lean times for the country we keep safe, so I bring you my manifesto for ensuring we continue operating in the manner to which we have become accustomed. The country needs us more than ever right now.

All council members: Here here!

Dr O: Yes, yes. Now this will not be an easy task, but I have prepared information packs with mission assignments for all of you. Vincent is handing them to you now.

(Vincent the obsequious former rebel subserviently hands a pack out to each council member. One member in a yellow tie at the edge of the large table’s curiosity overwhelms him, and he is compelled to open and begin to read as Dr O continues.)

Dr O: Gentlemen, your country is proud of all of you, and in five years time, Her Majesty will realise the debt the people of this great island owe all of you for repairing the terrible damage caused by the previous administration. I call a toast!

(Dr O raises his glass of brandy, soon joined by other council members in unison, except for the rogue agent immersed in the information pack.)

Dr O: To a better tomorrow for all!

(The rogue council member raises his hand.)

Rogue member: Excuse me Doctor O…

Dr O: Please, call me Gideon.

Rogue member: Yes, yes, Gideon. Well are you really suggesting we steal from the lowest-paid people in the country to bankroll our operations?

(Dr O appears flustered.)

Dr O: I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make my lad.

Rogue member: It’s right here, in the pack. Our mission is to steal from the poor, that’s your solution to our shortfall. Take money from them and remove their right to aid.

Dr O: Listen, my naïve friend, we are dealing with big fiscal solvency issues here. I’m sure you have many big ideas for how to run an intelligence agency on thin air, but…

Rogue member: Well my idea would actually be to look for donations from the richest members of society.

(Grumblings of discontent from the assembled.)

Dr O: Nonsense! The largest proportion of population is concentrated in the middle and working classes! You don’t need a mathematics degree to understand those figures my ignorant friend.

Rogue member: Well, as 10% of our population controls approximately 90% of the wealth, I would actually suggest that collecting donations from these people would cover our running costs while making very little difference to their personal circumstances.

(Dr O appears to push a button underneath the huge table while smiling disconcertingly at his young challenger. Two large men in suits enter and seize the young council member.)

Dr O: Thank you for your valuable suggestions young man. Rocky and Crusher will discuss your proposals with you outside.

(The young rebel is dragged out of the room. Dr O lights cigar and swirls his brandy.)

A curious coalition

Posted: August 14, 2010 in Satire
Tags: , , , ,


On Free-Market Capitalism’s Secret Service.

Episode 2: A Curious Coalition.

With the SPECTRE of Bad News Politics consigned once more to the shadows and margins, MI4 have suffered great uncertainty and ignominy with Her Majesty shuffling her personnel deck. With no definitive selections, Her Royal Highness decides that it is in the country’s best interests to mix the more reputable with a majority of the more ruthless spies in the game.

New head agent Cameroon of MI4 insists that there will be no conflict of interests between his own blue picks and the more moderate yellow agents, and to demonstrate his good faith he hires diminutive head of the yellow agents NikNak Klegg, also spokesperson for the International Council of Dwarves.

Little does Her Majesty suspect that Cameroon is in fact a double-agent, acting against the country’s best interests in the name of his shadowy paymasters; an inordinately rich multinational syndicate of faceless corporations. Cameroon has thus far managed to conceal his unabashed admiration for commensurate tyrant Irma Bunt, who terrorised the British public throughout the 1980s, and Her Majesty’s hope that the influence of NikNak Klegg and his yellow cohorts would soften the brutal instincts of the blues has proven to be a false one. After initially announcing that he would be campaigning vehemently for dwarves’ rights, NikNak changes his tune on being offered a tailored suit, his own broom cupboard and all the spinach he can eat.

His outside supporters are dismayed at his sudden apathy to the causes he previously championed being ridden roughshod over by Double-Agent Cameroon. Cameroon, along with his head of finance and former school bullying partner the dastardly Doctor O., tells MI4 that their previous fiscal solvency was crippled by the ungrateful populace they were attempting to keep safe, and that the solution is to increase espionage to unheralded levels, and attempt to engineer monitoring of suspicious subjects 24 hours a day. Every protestor is immediately placed on this list, as were those who happened to look to MI4 for advice or assistance. Anyone non-compliant with the new constitution is immediately discredited and tracked.

While Her Majesty’s concerns are assuaged by a barrage of ingenious propaganda from Cameroon and his team, there are those from the previous agency who have their doubts as to the motives of this new assembly of agents. But who can possibly stop this new coalition, funded by the wealthiest bunch of ominous oligarchs, machiavellian magnates, mean moguls and tyrannical tycoons in the developed world…?