Apologetic Larceny

Posted: September 12, 2010 in Satire
Tags: , , , , ,

On Free-Market Capitalism’s Secret Service.

Episode 3: Apologetic Larceny.

With Double Agent Cameroon getting his feet under the table, his grotesquely wealthy overlords remind him of his debt to them, and he begins to surreptitiously implement measures designed to prevent uprising by crushing the morale of the most vulnerable would-be uprisers. We join his former public school chum and now head henchmen; the dastardly Doctor O, as he addresses the council on his latest espionage budget.

Dr O: Greetings esteemed council members, I trust we all realise these are lean times for the country we keep safe, so I bring you my manifesto for ensuring we continue operating in the manner to which we have become accustomed. The country needs us more than ever right now.

All council members: Here here!

Dr O: Yes, yes. Now this will not be an easy task, but I have prepared information packs with mission assignments for all of you. Vincent is handing them to you now.

(Vincent the obsequious former rebel subserviently hands a pack out to each council member. One member in a yellow tie at the edge of the large table’s curiosity overwhelms him, and he is compelled to open and begin to read as Dr O continues.)

Dr O: Gentlemen, your country is proud of all of you, and in five years time, Her Majesty will realise the debt the people of this great island owe all of you for repairing the terrible damage caused by the previous administration. I call a toast!

(Dr O raises his glass of brandy, soon joined by other council members in unison, except for the rogue agent immersed in the information pack.)

Dr O: To a better tomorrow for all!

(The rogue council member raises his hand.)

Rogue member: Excuse me Doctor O…

Dr O: Please, call me Gideon.

Rogue member: Yes, yes, Gideon. Well are you really suggesting we steal from the lowest-paid people in the country to bankroll our operations?

(Dr O appears flustered.)

Dr O: I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make my lad.

Rogue member: It’s right here, in the pack. Our mission is to steal from the poor, that’s your solution to our shortfall. Take money from them and remove their right to aid.

Dr O: Listen, my naïve friend, we are dealing with big fiscal solvency issues here. I’m sure you have many big ideas for how to run an intelligence agency on thin air, but…

Rogue member: Well my idea would actually be to look for donations from the richest members of society.

(Grumblings of discontent from the assembled.)

Dr O: Nonsense! The largest proportion of population is concentrated in the middle and working classes! You don’t need a mathematics degree to understand those figures my ignorant friend.

Rogue member: Well, as 10% of our population controls approximately 90% of the wealth, I would actually suggest that collecting donations from these people would cover our running costs while making very little difference to their personal circumstances.

(Dr O appears to push a button underneath the huge table while smiling disconcertingly at his young challenger. Two large men in suits enter and seize the young council member.)

Dr O: Thank you for your valuable suggestions young man. Rocky and Crusher will discuss your proposals with you outside.

(The young rebel is dragged out of the room. Dr O lights cigar and swirls his brandy.)

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