Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived. We surely all remember this iconic mnemonic for recalling the fates of Henry VIII’s wives, and it occurred to me that it might be a good way to help the uninformed masses to better remember the antics of our current cabinet: something along the lines of: ‘Disgraced, embezzled, lied. Disgraced, embezzled, fired.’ There’s hardly been such a cabinet of flagrant cheats, crooks, bullies and dumbards in modern British history. So what’s the scorecard looking like right now?
RISHI SUNAK, CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER
Considered hot favourite to replace Johnson when he inevitably self-immolates, Sunak is everything Johnson is not: suave, well-groomed, articulate and apparently capable. However, he is of Asian origin, which would leave him massively at a disadvantage knowing the proclivities of the Conservative membership. He initially only assumed the role because Dominic Cummings constructively dismissed Sajid Javid, which suggested that Sunak was a spineless yes man who would be kept on a short leash by Johnson. Whether this is true was not immediately apparent, and Sunak surged in popularity following the furlough scheme, but he has arguably squandered this since with his lack of support for the self-employed and with his disastrous ‘Eat Out to Help Out’ scheme shown to drive up Covid infection rates. His brand was diminished further when it was revealed that he was one of the principal opponents of further lockdowns, helping to delay them, with tragic consequences for the public. The fact he was trying to lobby for a corrupt business to gain taxpayer money on behalf of his old boss was unedifying, but to be fair if anyone was pressured by a former boss they might find it hard to say no. However, it does show him to be a weak man and potentially corruptible, despite his immense personal wealth through his wife. The jury is out on just how contemptible he is as a minister, but he will have to show his real chops in the months after lockdown is eased. Used to lie a lot with ease before he had an important role, as he was often wheeled out to the media to defend the indefensible.
CRIMES? Lied.
MATT HANCOCK, HEALTH SECRETARY
A man so conceited and deeply corrupt you’d probably want to knock his teeth out if you ran across him in your local, only it wouldn’t happen because he’d start sobbing and wrap his arms about your knees to protect himself from your wrath. An absolute worm of a man who has proven many times that somebody really can go through adult life with no functioning embarrassment response. It’s difficult to know whether he could even recognise self-esteem, as he would be just as likely to walk into IKEA with no trousers on a bet to ingratiate himself with the party leadership, as he would be in reversing his previous belief that British soldiers who fought on the beaches at Normandy would roll over in their graves at parliament being prorogued, just because Boris Johnson chose to do it. Has the absolute brass neck to contract out NHS work to a company his sister runs while he holds shares in the company; literally filling his pockets from the pandemic, while pretending to be bleeding his heart out to the Covid dead or NHS staff he has failed and failed and added insult to injury with a derisory pay offer.
CRIMES? Embezzled, lied.
PRITI PATEL, HOME SECRETARY
A vicious and twisted cosplay fascist, Patel revels in throwing her weight around, and imagines she’s some kind of junta General rather than the Home Secretary. One of many intellectually-challenged members of the cabinet, who takes out her frustration at not being able to string two coherent sentences together on her colleagues, who she no doubt refers to as underlings. Her surface flaws are remarkably similar to her former shadow minister Diane Abbott (getting figures and words wrong in interviews, patronising tone of voice), but she seems to get very little abuse compared to Abbott, particularly from newspapers run by extremely rich sociopaths, heaven knows why (sarcasm). If Patel was a character in the Wizard of Oz, she would have to be the bastard child of the Scarecrow and the Lion, because she doesn’t seem to have a functioning brain or heart. She describes movements for racial justice as ‘dreadful’, but supports the return of capital punishment as a ‘deterrent’, despite all evidence confirming it does not act as any kind of effective deterrent and is more likely to see the state murdering innocent citizens, the thought of which probably gets her off. In terms of the lack of brainpower, she thinks ‘counterterrorism’ means the same as ‘terrorism’, makes up non-existent numbers in press conferences without shame or correction, and apparently suggested wave machines to deter refugees from Channel crossings. Her lack of critical thinking hurt her when she discovered that trashing the European Union in every other interview is not conducive to signing agreements with said union to return migrants to countries within the union. She treats the Ministerial Code of Conduct as a trifling bore (much like her boss does), leading to many unethical dealings including systematic bullying of her staff which cost the taxpayer hundreds of thousands of pounds, losing thousands of police records, double-dealing with a foreign power without permission and drawing up a bill that will criminalise peaceful protest.
CRIMES? Disgraced, fired, lied.
DOMINIC RAAB, FOREIGN SECRETARY
Another dimwit zealot, Raab is only made to look better by the batshit utterings of fellow Britannia Unchained travellers Patel and Liz Truss. Superficially photogenic and suave, the second he opens his mouth you realise that there’s nothing but a couple of monkeys playing cymbals and throwing shit inside his head. His voice has the bizarrely soothing timbre of a children’s television presenter, despite vocalising divisive notions like those in poverty just having ‘cashflow issues’ whilst providing no evidence to support this inflammatory assertion. Before he discovered the critical importance of the Dover-Calais crossing, he could mostly be heard passive-aggressively batting away questions about his general lack of morality. Self-awareness is also bereft in Raab, as he supports the government’s hardline stance on restricting immigration which would most likely have prevented his father being able to emigrate to Britain, much like it would have prevented Priti Patel’s parents coming to the country. Interestingly, there have been no current rumours or allegations of misconduct, either financial or sexual from Raab, just some excruciating interviews.
Despite his lack of intellect and gravitas on the world stage, Raab was made Foreign Secretary, where he is inept but still looks vaguely competent compared to his predecessor: Boris Johnson. Scaringly, he actually stepped in as Prime Minister briefly when Johnson was in intensive care: one of the few occasions where the nation breathed a sigh of relief to see Johnson leading the country again.
CRIMES? Lied.
GAVIN WILLIAMSON, EDUCATION SECRETARY
A truly pathetic specimen, whose mediocrity should have seen him relegated to the backbenches some time ago, but of course, being a true Tory he has used cunning and connections to scale the greasy pole. There was a time not so long ago that a true Tory, though mildly corrupt and self-serving, would view certain ministerial positions as prestigious and a source of pride, so would fulfil the obligations of the position to the best of their ability. They might get caught offering dodgy contracts, shagging their secretary or selling questions in parliament, but if they were Defence Minister, they would most definitely not tell Russia to “go away and shut up” like a stroppy teenager, or compromise national security. That’s the kind of thing they accuse the opposition of: the Tories are caricatured after all as the party of Queen and country and Her Majesty’s Armed Forces. Defence of the Realm is one of their biggest selling points. Yet three previous Defence Ministers have now been disgraced and summarily removed from post: Liam Fox for taking his not-so-secret boyfriend on foreign trips with him without adequate security clearance, Michael Fallon for being an old perv, and now Gavin Williamson, for apparently leaking national secrets. It’s incredible to think that losing his Defence position for that specific reason would not see him run out of government for good and potentially facing criminal charges, but this new brand of Conservative Party believes paying for misdeeds is only for the little people. So Williamson was shunted to Education, perhaps to prove to ambitious kids that you don’t have to be particularly smart to be head of most of the nation’s children’s educational prospects. Of course, he has proven even worse in this position, and is second only to Matt Hancock in the humiliation stakes.
CRIMES? Disgraced, lied.
LIZ TRUSS, INTERNATIONAL TRADE SECRETARY
The minister also known as ‘Thick Lizzy’, Truss is perhaps the most awkward minister in interviews, not helped by her infamously gormless smile when she’s struggling to compose a response. Notwithstanding her obsession with British cheese, Truss is effectively a work experience negotiator. Imagine a government so breathtakingly arrogant that they dismiss the benefit of experienced EU trade negotiators and replace them with a figure like Truss, who has no previous experience in complex international trade and has so far only signed multiple copied-and-pasted agreements from the previous EU deals, plus a Japan deal that was actually inferior to the previous arrangements. Her glaring lack of intellect fits with her Britannia Unchained zealotry, but in her defence she has not (yet) been caught with her hand in the till or been fired for extreme indiscretions. The fact she didn’t initially support Brexit also indicates she is not quite as dopey as she comes across in some interviews, but don’t be fooled – she is desperate to sell out the country to be a client state of the USA, which would be a nightmare come true if Trump had got re-elected, but as it stands is unlikely to happen any time soon as the Northern Ireland protocol has come into contact with reality.
CRIMES? Lied.
ROBERT JENRICK, HOUSING, COMMUNITIES AND LOCAL GOVERNMENT SECRETARY
‘Honest Bob’ challenges Johnson and Hancock to the most shamelessly corrupt minister title, famously over-ruling the local government rejection of porn baron Richard Desmond’s luxury housing application in tower Hamlets in order to fast-track approval in time to evade tens of millions in tax liability, which it turned out happened because Desmond lobbied him personally at a Tory party dinner event and donated to party funds to grease the wheels. We can only imagine what favours he may have personally pledged to Jenrick himself. Fortunately this decision was later reversed by the party, but Jenrick didn’t seem ashamed or particularly apologetic for this flagrant abuse of his position, and has continued to lie and propagandise for the party to the media with his faithful flag behind him. He apparently was made Housing Secretary ahead of the vile Esther McVey, who, for all her faults, actually wanted to build genuine social housing as Housing minister, while Jenrick, who owns multiple properties, simply wants to continue the divisive and avaricious policy of allowing big developers to get away with murder as they continue to concrete over the green belt and stack up unaffordable rabbit hutch homes on flood plains and the like. Under his watch, leaseholders have also been royally screwed by being made personally liable for mis-sold properties that now need expensive replacement of flammable Grenfell-style cladding, so it seems as if the Tories now no longer look after all homeowners but only the more affluent, old-money propertied class. Interesting strategy of expanding your potential voter base, but one imagines Jenrick does not care a jot while he’s squirreling away his undeclared kickbacks and walking into a juicy directorship or lobbying job when he’s booted out of office.
CRIMES? Embezzled (alleged), lied.
GEORGE EUSTICE, DEFRA SECRETARY
Yet another minister of a crucial department who sounds as if he’d struggle to tie his own shoelaces in interviews. He shamelessly bullshits and lies about Black Lives Matter, while dismissing any indiscretions from his boss, all with the look of a man haunted by his wife leaving him for a younger model because she couldn’t stand his sullen face and boring recollections of his day. Most farmers and environmentalists, and a lot of his constituents apparently, have christened him ‘George Useless’ on account of him never doing anything useful for them. He has refused to guarantee upholding UK food standards after Brexit, and has broken the current government pledge to prevent use of neonicotinoid pesticides. Basically he is a spineless yes man.
CRIMES? Lied.
BORIS JOHNSON, PRIME MINISTER
When you are a child, one of the many things you must naturally learn as you grow up is that life is not just about gratifying yourself all the time, because there are other people in the world you will need to get on with, so you modify your behaviour and compromise to maximise social cohesion. If you disregard these conventions, you’re likely to end up lonely or incarcerated. Of course if you’re born into extraordinary privilege you’re more likely to be indulged in these heliocentric capers and get away with murder. Thus we have Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, a man who time and time again has lied and philandered his way through life and yet had been rewarded by being made leader of the country. Sacked twice for dishonesty, number of children uncertain, left his wife while suffering with cancer for his secretary, whom he also cheated on with a woman he then bribed with taxpayers’ money; there is seemingly no low too depraved for this reprobate. But we go on: he landed a British citizen in an Iranian prison and then did nothing to rectify this error, even after becoming Prime Minister. He was renowned by colleagues and most of the public as the most inept and embarrassing Foreign Secretary in history, with another Britannia Unchained luminary Kwasi Kwarteng saying that Johnson didn’t understand that diplomacy was about being on courteous terms with those you disagreed with, not just bantering with allies. His egregious waste of taxpayers’ money has been a constant issue: particularly dumb examples including the tens of thousands he spent on water cannons which were illegal to use in mainland Britain and had to be sold at a great loss for scrap, the infamous London cable car which operates at a staggering loss, and the garden bridge which cost millions despite never being built. But he doesn’t just waste yours and my money on pigs in pokes, he’s also fond of wetting his own beak. As aforementioned, he funnelled hundreds of thousands of pounds to the woman he had an affair with, Jennifer Arcuri. I believe this fund was intended for British-based business rather than Americans, but an investigation apparently found no impropriety (presumably signed off by Boris Johnson and possibly written by him). He is now in big trouble though, initially for trying to sort out some dodgy tax write-offs for James Dyson, and now for trying to get out of paying for lavish redecoration of his Downing Street flat. His excuse is that he has paid for it personally, but this was clearly paid back to whoever had footed the bill initially, and done grudgingly because he was advised he would be in trouble. Now that he’s seemingly been turned against by the right-wing press and pressured from all sides about his flagrant corruption, he shows his true colours in the Commons, barking out lies and waving his arms up and down frantically like an orang-utan in heat. The fact that he skipped five Cobra meetings to have a jolly with Carrie at the beginning of the pandemic shows how little he cares about duty, diligence or anybody but himself. He is a clownish narcissist of the highest order with little to no empathy for others, and watching him fail repeatedly while scratching the backs of his donors and trying to grab freebies at the taxpayers’ expense really hammers home the historic folly of allowing this idiot to ascend to this platform. And we haven’t even mentioned his casual racism, sexism and homophobia, nor throwing the Irish peace process under a bus and ruining the fishing industry, with many more to follow.
CRIMES? Permanently disgraced, embezzled, lied, fired – full house!